Today I realise that my dependence is on God, not on the myriad things that I choose to place before my faith. The inevitable pain that ensues when I let my faith slide into second place is the same every time. Wallowing in self, losing sight of the pleasures in life and forgetting that I am enough brings me to submission eventually.
I started a new relationship which is wonderful, I am blessed to have met the beautiful person that I now share my time with, and until a week ago was coasting, everything felt so simple, so natural. I was able to place her needs before my own without a moments hesitation and not feel resentful or rejected in any way. At the same time, I started to neglect my spiritual path. Fewer recovery meetings, less meditation, no inventory. In a short time I was consumed with self.
The beauty of recovery is that I can see where I’m going wrong. The guidance of close and trusted friends soon sets me back on the right track. A far cry from my drinking days, when all my pub mates would tell me shut up and get another drink. The perfect short term fix, that always left me feeling empty, hollow and inadequate, not to say hungover. How come everyone else can get through this thing called ‘life’, get up in the morning and get on with it. I used to be racked with self loathing, self pity, I had no self esteem or self worth. So I drank to blot it all out and to numb my fears.
Not so today, it’s been a long journey and I’m nowhere near finished, but now I feel comfortable with me, through the grace of God, I am enough! Not better than, worse than, but equal to. It took me a long time to accept that, to look my reflection squarely in the eyes and believe it.
When I place my spiritual progress above all else, I communicate better, work better, sleep better, feel better. You would think this enough to never let it slip, but from time to time I do. I allow fear back in and almost instantly doubt myself. Then comes the week of confusion, where did I go wrong when I felt so right sized before.
So back to the plan that God set out for me, faith that it will be ok, that to be a part of someone else’s life is an opportunity to add to it, not diminish it in anyway. As long as I have faith, my needs are met, I can be on guard for my desires, which are seldom satisfied.
Alcoholism is a disease of more. More of everything! When caught up in self and fear I need more, be it distraction or reassurance. When I focus on recovery, I have and I am enough.