What better way to while away the hours without hurting my bank balance. Window shopping!
What better way to remove myself from the reality of life than to immerse myself in a world of make believe and fantasy. What a fabulous tool the World Wide Web has become for escaping reality, online shopping, where every conceivable commodity is available. I live in a country where consumerism is rife, where having the next best gadget is fundamental to our wellbeing. Stop! This isn’t a rant about modern life, just an observation into my own behaviour. I am in the middle of some BIG feelings, around a relationship, one that is important to me, one that I have worked hard on in recovery; that has gone up and down over many years. What do I do when it’s not going well? What do I do when the person I care about can’t and won’t see what is happening?
I let go, with love and leave it up to God.
The problem is that I am then left with my addiction running around in my brain looking for an out. Can’t drink, can’t take recreational (hah, never any recreation for me) drugs. I could seek out a sordid affair, but that was never really my thing. I could eat my body weight in chocolate and get a massive sugar rush. I could go into town and buy something nice and new. I could go on a 10 mile run at a pace that wrecks my body, but gives me a runners high.
I know that these things won’t FIX me, but I have found an out, as described in the opening line, window shopping. Hours spent trawling eBay or Amazon, googling the latest tech, reading reviews for gadgets I don’t need. Gadgets for the kitchen, the lounge, the bathroom. For the car or the bicycle. What will be my next obsession, what new things will I need to buy to make it the best hobby a man can partake in. That is what window shopping has become for me, a stream of ‘I wish’, and ‘what if’.
Moreover, I discovered just how well it masks the feelings I am currently going through. When I am fixated with whatever it is, I am not thinking about the situation or feeling the emotions that are uncomfortable.
So today, I made a decision (step 3 all over again) to refrain from seeking a fix, in whatever form it takes. To feel how I’m meant to feel. To ask God to help not fix. To turn the problem over to God, not hand it over and absolve myself of responsibility, but ask for guidance and be willing and open to whatever that may be.