after doing a chair at a fellowship meeting, I find that I get in to a very reflective mood, absorbing all of the sharing back that I have heard. Tonight is no exception, the subject was step 10, ‘continued to take personal inventory and when wrong, promptly admitted it’. After sharing on this topic, I became very aware that I am taking inventory regularly, just not my own. I have slipped into the old pattern of working out exactly what is wrong with everyone else, and if only they’d behave in the manner in which I would like, then all would be well in my world.
Thinking about this further, I am reminded that I ask God to ‘grant me the serenity to accept those people, places and things that I cannot change’, every day. To be of service to others, not the other way around. This does bring into question the fine line between being of genuine help and being a doormat, taking on every task asked of me in an attempt to make everyone happy. One thing recovery has taught me is that I can please some people, not all. The problem I have is that when I lose sight of this I end up resenting those closest to me, and taking stock of their lives, instead of looking directly at my behaviour, as I was taught to do.
The upshot and simplicity of step 10 is that I can only change myself. Again, looking to the Serenity prayer, ‘God, grant me the courage to change the things I can. The one thing I can change is me, ‘some things don’t change’ nor should they have to, as long as I continue to look at me and me alone, work out what I am and am not prepared to accept from others, articulate that in a grown up manner and not the petulant teenager that can so readily come to my rescue, I stand a chance of remaining in harmony with those around me, and that is a great place to be.