RecoveringDrunk.com

Last week took me off on holiday with my wife and daughter for the first time in 4 years and the 1^st time in recovery. While I had a lot of trepidation about the whole thing, it actually came off really well, proving to me that expectations are generally the cause my anxieties. I went away with a head full of recovery, stocked up on meetings before going, read some big book and spent a lot of time on the phone with other recovering alcoholics. Was this solid ground work? In light of the outcome, I feel it was. I went away, knowing that while I may not have the fellowship at the end of the phone, I had it with me in spirit.

The beginning of the week saw me faced with an unhappy and at times scarily angry wife, but rather than reacting, I chose to draw a line between her rage and my feelings of resentment and blame. This may not sound like much but to me it’s a massive step forward, this gave my wife the space and time to get to her own conclusions and me the ability to just enjoy the moment and connection with my Higher Power. HP was with me every step of the way, every morning when I awoke I said my prayers as usual, and then set off on the next leg of the journey, both physically and metaphorically.

The connection that I have made with my wife and daughter while away with them feels amazing. I feel grateful for being able to spend the time with them, and with my higher power. Up until now there has been a distinct divide between my recovery time, and time with them. It’s like I live two lives, one a spiritual student / recovering alcoholic and the other as a father and husband. Being away and floating along rivers in a boat, without the pressures of work and general life to attend to has given me space to reflect on what it is important in my life. It isn’t just recovery; it is also the rebuilding of broken relationships. I had lost sight of both of these things recently.

The ability to enjoy myself without resorting to drunkenness is fantastic; to wake early every morning of my break and really feel connected with the surroundings was amazing. To spend a week in pleasant company, to be present physically, emotionally and spiritually is growth beyond anything I could imagine when I came into recovery.

I borrowed this title from a song by a friend, with simple lyrics, it’s ok, you give me everything I need. This always reminds me that my recovery must start with continuing to develop my relationship with my Higher Power, whatever that may be.

When I remember to pray first thing in the morning, and to meditate at the earliest opportunity, then my spirit feels in balance with those around me as I progress through the remainder of the day. It is the connection I feel with HP that gives the sense that all will be ok.

Even if I get the life balance wrong, like working too much or not eating properly, having HP with me at all times saves me from going back to the drink, and all the carnage that would ensue.

Gratitude and faith, what more does a recovering alcoholic need?

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When I was in treatment I was advised to be very careful around anything that changed the way I feel. Wise words. I started exercising at the beginning of the year and have really struggled to keep the obsessive part of my make up out of the gym. I have had phases where I have been totally obsessed with what I eat, how hard I train; to the point of almost blanking out all other concerns during the day. Not really that different from when I was drinking and drugging.

The biggest difference though, is that I am now totally aware of when this starts to happen and can reign it in and get a bit of perspective back in my life. Exercise is a fantastic thing, it really fires up my motivation, something I usually struggle with and helps with my entire well being, spiritual and mental. When my body feels good, the mind stops playing games with me, and my connection to my higher power flourishes.

Life still continues to be challenging, and if I’m not careful as I haven’t been lately, my patience and tolerance towards others suffers. Again, being in recovery has taught me to be aware of these failings; awareness is paramount to me, with it I can stop the negatives in their tracks and get back to being the better person I always wanted to be, but didn’t know how.

I hit my knees, not really knowing.
Within seconds the tears were flowing.
Through the anguish, I know I’m growing.
Seeds of gratitude, I’ve started sowing.
To a meeting tonight, I’ll be going.

Those around me seem so free,
A constant reminder of how I can be.
Knowing what it takes to feel serene,
Escapes me. Why do I still dream.
Dreams that haunt me when I awake,
The fear and dread, that it wasn’t fake.
The bottle drained, the paper empty,
The head that pounds, the heart beats plenty.
That’s the way it used to be,
When I struggled alone to make them see.
Exactly how it is inside my head,
All the time wishing I was dead.
Escape, the only way to cope,
A hard decision, chemical or rope?
The knots of confusion inside my gut,
The tangled mess, they don’t give a fuck.
Writhing and squirming, on the outside, peace.
Like it’s all together. It’s not, it’s fierce.
Whatever I do, don’t show the pain,
Keep it together, let them think you’re sane.
I sit in silence, feigning sleep,
The torment I have, it’s mine to keep.
Why should I share it, it will do no good.
Sick of it, you should, you should.
That’s all I hear, from those so sick,
They have no kindness, my scabs, they pick.
Open me up so the wound is fresh,
Having no idea my minds a mess.
So full of puss, full of bile.
I hate their narrow minds, they’re vile.
Resentment! Offender number one.
Fuck em, I just want to run and run!